What Mattered Most
by hotchrockette
Summary: Hotch's thoughts after Haley died (revised version)


** just a story that popped in my head after watching my season 5 set on dvd my plan was not lay this on Hotch but that's how it ended up so sorry but i still got love for the man it is from his point of view takes place after _100 _and _slave of duty. _i do not own criminal minds or the song all right belong to the rightful owners.**_  
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_I thought I knew the girl so well _

_If she was sad, I couldn't tell_

_I missed the point, I missed the signs_

_So if she's gone the fault is mine_

_I know, I know A whole lot of little things _

_And even though I could list them 1 by 1 _

_she would still be gone._

Aaron Hotchner sat one the bench in front of the marker to the plot where the shell of his wife lays one could say ex-wife since they was divorced when she died but their last phone conversation it would seem otherwise. As he sat there staring at the plot or the marker with _**Haley Hotchner**_ written on he felt empty yes, he got his justice by beating Foyet to death with his bear hands, he got justice for the families, Shaugnessy and Haley but he just felt numb. He was a profiler for god sakes he knew Haley was reaching a point where the long nights, missed special occasions was getting to her he could make a list of everything he did wrong and it still wouldn't bring her back. He couldn't even blame her the phone call to their house then to her cell it was then that he knew the woman who had been his everything was slowing breaking that someone else was in her life '_their life' _he thought to himself.

_Her eyes are blue, her hair was long '64,_

_she was born in Baton Rouge Her favorite song is 'In My Life'_

_I memorized her every move I knew her books, her car, her clothes _

_But I paid no attention to what mattered most_

As the wind around him blew he let out a shaky breath and thought back to the first time he met her when he was looking through his yearbook not really paying attention, walking in to the auditorium that's when he saw her. To him it was like a blind man seeing the light he knew she was the answer to all his prayers she was his everything and he was hers. The way her blue eyes would sparkle when he would do or say something corny to make her laugh or the few times he caught her in one of his button ups cooking breakfast dancing to whatever song was on the radio. Hell he knew everything about her yet as he sat there in front of her grave in the end he forgot about what mattered most. A conversation with Elle Greenaway popped in his head, during the Max Ryan case she asked him how did he do this with a wife and child at home. His answer was that he was Jack and Haley's when he was home they had his undivided attention, just as the team has his when he is with them shouldn't that have been enough but at the end of the day he guessed not.

_I never ask, she never said_

_And when she cried, I turned my head_

_She dreamed her dreams, behind closed doors_

_And that made them easy to ignore_

_And I know, I know I missed the forest full of trees_

_And all I have to show Oh, but she walked out of the door Cold facts and nothing more_

There was more than a few times when he would leave he could hear her cry as he was walking out the door to another case to help solve other people's problems but he never turned around to give her an extra hug or kiss. He would just walkout that door with a peck on the lips and an _'I love you' _ for a while she never said anything so he kept on saving the world putting a stop to growing their family bigger. When Gideon left she broke, she had enough Jack wanted his daddy and Haley wanted her husband and for two weeks he was back there was the man she fell in love with but, when he walked out that door after she begged and pleaded one last time for him not to go cause after all he was suspended when he left so did she.

_Her eyes are blue, her hair was long '64,_

_she was born in Baton Rouge Her father's tall, her mother's gone_

_She moved out west when she was 2 The way she laughed, the way she loved _

_Oh my God, what did I do?_

He herd foot steps behind him shoes making noise through the grass he turned his head as the figure got closer he sat up realizing it was Dave Rossi his right hand and best friend. No words were spoke between the friends for a while and after some silence, Dave Rossi knew his friend had made a decision he was coming back to the unit he never asked why cause he knew.

"Have you told her yet?" Rossi asked.

"told her what?" he replied quietly.

"that you're coming back to the team, that catching the bad guys is who you really are." Rossi stated point blank.

He scoffed, "I don't have to tell her, she already knows."

"she has forgiven you, she doesn't blame you; you do know that right?"

"I know but how can I not blame myself I forgot what mattered most I thought I knew what Shaunessy was talking about when he said that I would have to pay for his sins but .." he said quietly

"if that's true, then you can make it up to her look at what she left you." With that last sentence Rossi gave his friend a squeeze on the shoulder and turn and walked away.

Aaron sighed thinking about what Rossi had said he knew it was true. She had forgiven him and since he is getting a second chance sort of he was not going to screw it up. He stood and looked up to the sky, "I Promise Hales, I love you " and walked to his SUV to go to his son.


End file.
